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Posts Tagged ‘supernatural’

Hello again. It’s been a while since my last post, but by now that should be nothing new to anyone following my posts… which I’m pretty sure is no one. Whatever.

Well about a week ago I was planning on writing a lovely blog about what I’ve been doing, lots of fun things with my older sister Sally. But in the week since my mood has taken a significant swing in the other direction, and that’s going to reflect in my post, for which I apologise.

But it’s time to get serious, and really kind of personal. I’ve a little announcement to make: I have depression. Now actually that’s not an enormous deal. A large portion of the population suffers depression to some degree or another. Not everyone will be diagnosed with it. Some people will just write it off as being sad. But it remains a fact of my life.

Depression can often be hereditary. My father has depression, my mother has anxiety and my sister has anxiety. It’s not really surprising that I have depression. But it isn’t necessarily because of hereditary reasons. As a matter of fact, a lot of it is to do with my father, who is a very difficult man to live with. It isn’t his fault, not at all, but it makes life incredibly difficult for me, where I am so similar to him in many ways.

Our similarities have led to regular conflict between us, a great number of arguments. A part of me is quite frightened of my father, although I doubt he would ever physically hurt me, and he loves me, so I doubt he’s aware of how much emotional trauma he causes me.

Recently my father lost his job. As a matter of fact, he lost a job he’d had for a little over thirty years a couple of years ago, and being in his fifties with no other job experience, and no skills to offer, he found it extremely difficult to get another job. Eventually he succeeded in getting a job in security after doing a short course, but he was only casual, and his employers decided to cut back to two guards. So my father was laid off. As a result, he is now in kind of a rut, stuck at home. I am unfortunately in a similar state, because I don’t really have a purpose to my life at the moment, and my only job is casual as a cleaner, where for the past two weeks there has been no work for me.

It’s driving us both a little crazy.

No, a lot crazy.

We’re fighting a lot more. And I spend half the day asleep, and the other half crawling around the floor for lack of anything better to do, and getting called ‘Bridget’ by my mother in reference to ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ which is a movie I happen to despise, actually, so it only increases my ire.

Last night I had a bit of a panic attack at the idea of being cooped up. It was too late to go outside for a long walk, which was what I abruptly wanted to do – and I wanted to do it at night too, but I’d never have been allowed. I felt so frustrated and restless and I had the increasing need to scream, but I couldn’t, and there isn’t anywhere you can go to scream without attracting attention, and screaming into my pillow has never helped me. So in a fit of panic, I realised I was hyperventilating. In an effort to stop, I wound up holding my breath, letting a little out and sucking it back in – it took me choking to realise I was suffocating myself. Obviously I felt even more panicked, and wound up going into the bathroom, locking the door, crawling into the empty tub, and sitting in the dark for a good long hour trying to breathe and not think about anything.

The worst thing, I think, is that it all happened right under my parents’ noses. They didn’t even notice me. I was sitting behind my mother at the kitchen table when I was having trouble breathing, and she didn’t even realise. My legs were shaking, and I was dizzy. The thing is, I know it’s not that they don’t care, or that they wouldn’t notice if I were gone; one of the few things that has ever kept me from ending it all is the knowledge of how much I would hurt the people I love. But I realised that last night I could easily have slipped out of the house and wandered around outside for hours before they would have realised I was gone; if they even would have. That is a little frightening.

It’s scary when I get really upset. I frighten myself. Sometimes I disgust myself with the things I think. I catch myself thinking about how I could kill myself, and then think about the fact that I’m being dramatic, that maybe that’s the only reason I really want to do it. Maybe I don’t want to get better because having depression in some twisted way makes me feel special. Different. Gives me something to blame my moods on. Gives me a reason for why I feel like a freak – no, I can tell myself, I’m not a freak, I just have depression. And I think I sicken myself, a little, and I think about how messed up the world is and how so many have it worse than me… which inevitably leads me back to wishing I lived anywhere else, and wondering why I’m alive at all. And it’s a nasty cycle I fall into until I force myself not to think at all.

When I get unhappy, my method is escapism. I get sucked right into fandom, ignore the world around me, because it makes me happy. I can forget myself for a little while. Fandom literally keeps me breathing, and it’s shocking how important it is to me. I don’t think anyone in my life realises that as much as it damages my life in places, it gives me a great deal more. The only problem is of course when I can’t find anything to distract myself, and that’s when I get like I did last night. That’s how I’ve been all week.

If I don’t find something to occupy myself very soon, I am very scared of what might happen to me. My life needs direction, I have always, always craved it, even as I’ve always used escapism. The trouble is simply that I don’t know what to do, and that I’ve felt so incredibly lost for so long now that I don’t know how, don’t have the motivation to press on and find my way.

I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’m very scared and very alone.

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And with that in mind, I really, really want to thank fandom. The people in these fandoms, the creators of the shows, the books, the movies, the creators of music, the writers of fan fiction, the vidders on YouTube, you all have no idea how valuable you are to someone like me, how kind and welcoming you are, how accepting of someone who has very rarely felt accepted. You are an anchor for me and I am so very, very grateful. Thank you.

Mood: tumblr_lyojwaqjWt1qbfgrs
Music: Caves – Founds
Reading: JohnLock fics.

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Hey, so wow. It’s been a long time since I posted anything, but sadly it’s not so much that I’ve been too busy as it is, I just can’t be bothered when I think to do it. I suppose plenty of things have happened.

I started a new job as a cleaner at these apartments round the corner from my house. We’ve got some units in Main St too, which I’ll be working at when they’re ready. After a month I quit my old job, so now I’ve only got one job. But when I quit they got me a card and chocolates and were all very nice to me, and I’m actually really going to miss everyone, especially my manager, who I spoke to regularly. One of the girls actually rushed up and hugged me at the end of my last shift and I was kind of blown away. I suppose I had been there for four years.

And now my parents are going away on holiday for the second time this year and leaving me home alone. So I’ll be here for two weeks alone, and because I don’t have my license, and because I’ve been wanting to exercise more, we’ve just bought a new bike for me. So I’ll be riding it everywhere, except the apartments because that really is just around the corner. But I’m also doing one hour’s cleaning a week for this elderly woman, who is very nice and friendly, but I’m still kind of awkward around her, that’s how I am. $25 a week from that. So I’m thinking I’ll save all my money from the apartments for university and things that are important, and the $25 a week will be to just use on more frivolous things. It certainly puts a limit on what I buy. That’s a good thing.

I went to a university Open Day the other day. I’ve decided I want to go there, it’s in Sydney. I’ll, hopefully, do a Bachelor of Arts majoring in history and minoring in creative writing. The courses look really good. However, I can’t go right now because my ATAR score was so low. I’ve got two options I’m considering; either a certificate IV course at a TAFE for a year, which I need a credit average in, or a year at any other Australian university. Depending on my marks I could be considered for the other uni and I could transfer. That’s the plan! There is a university near my town I could travel to every day, or board there, and I’ve got an okay chance of getting in there if I’m quick.

So I want to save for university, and for the next year continue working where I am. That money will go towards a move to Sydney, and towards university fees, and the experience may get me a job up there. But I’ll also be doing a barista course at TAFE, just as a back up thing. So much to do! But I do feel better having a plan.

I haven’t given up on acting. But I’m still very self-conscious and I don’t think I could do it just yet. So I’m working on my image of myself. Exercise, healthier diet. If I feel better about my appearance, I think I’ll be okay with the flaws in my personality. When I do go to the Sydney uni I’m planning to, I also want to do a short, part-time acting course at this acting school. It’ll be a crazy amount of work, but it’ll give me an idea of whether it’s something I can actually persue. If I really like it and see myself going somewhere with it, I’ll try and get into a full-time program. If that works out I can leave the uni and go to the acting school. But if it turns out it’s not for me, I’ll be able to continue at the uni and work with history and writing. Yay for fallbacks!

And really other than those rather major developments, there’s not much else happening. Nothing life-changing anyway.

Ooccoo and Poe are full grown now. Poe did turn out to be a rooster. He crows every day at 4-4:30am, and then intermittantly throughout the day, but he’s not too bad, and no complaints so far. I don’t hear him if I’m asleep, but then again, I slept through an explosion around the corner from my house once.

I’m still hooked on Supernatural, but I’ve been reading Merlin fan fictions lately. I have missed Merlin. I’ve discovered my ability to multi-ship – Merlin/Arthur as well as Merlin/Morgana. And Doctor Who’s new season has begun, Supernatural’s new season starts next month, Glee starts in a week or so, Once Upon A Time starts at the end of September, and everything’s kicking off. I also watched the first episode of Garrow’s Law last night. Not a bad show, I may consider continuing.

While my parents are away, all of my friends continue school and uni, so I won’t even have their company. Last time this led to a 12 day Apocalypse Diary. I dread to think what 2 weeks are going to do to me. Fortunately, the third week I’ll be going up to join them. I’m a little miffed at only being allowed to go for one week. Okay, I’m a lot miffed, since they had their little two-person getaway already, but my complaints have fallen on deaf ears.

Speaking of my friends, however, since I no longer see most of them, my only contact is through Facebook. Say what you like, it does come in handy when you can’t visit people regularly. In any case, two of my friends, Connor and Liam, declared the other night that they were in a relationship. For the most part we all gathered it was a joke, but they wouldn’t say ye or nay, and considering it was possible if unlikely that it wasn’t a joke, everyone spent the next 24 hours in a state of confusion, trying to uncover the truth.

Oh God I never thought I’d have the opportunity to use that gif. Never. Thanks guys, I owe you one. Anyway, of course it turned out to be a joke. They ‘broke up’ the next day. Kind of blew a hole in my plans to cross off ‘Have A Gay Best Friend’ on my bucket list. One day, guys, one day…

I think I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and say that’s a wrap for now. Perhaps we will meet again…

Well probably, almost definitely, because I have an abnormally large collection of gifs and I want to use them an unhealthy amount, but I can’t figure out how to do it on Tumblr, so here we are.

Toodles!
Lexiconish.

Mood:
Music: You’re The Voice – John Farnham
Watching: Merlin
Reading: Life’s That Way – Jim Beaver
Merlin fan fictions

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As I promised, here I am again today with more on all that jazz I was going to talk about yesterday. After I wrote the blog I realised I forgot to mention that I have a new chicken to keep Ooccoo company now, called Poe. Actually, we think it might be a rooster. Which I wouldn’t mind – roosters have pretty feathers – but we may not be allowed to keep him if he is a he.

The big one on the left is Ooccoo, the black one on the right is Poe. He/She/It is younger than Ooccoo, which is why he/she/it is smaller.

Back onto my topics from yesterday, I’m going to start by saying that because Mel is such a huge fan of Titanic, and it is being re-released in 3D, I and Lizzy are going to accompany her to see it and pretend to cry with her because frankly, I just get angry – it could have been a slightly happy ending if they hadn’t wasted so much time talking at the end! All I’m saying. While we’re at it, we’re going to see The Hunger Games again because Mel wants to see it too, so we’ve decided to make a whole day of it and the three of us are going to organise to go to Penrith or something and spend the day up there. It’ll be great!

Anyway, the day before yesterday…

Yeah, Tuesday. Anyway my pop came around so I could show him how to use his phone – he’s a faster learner than my dad at any rate – and my pop’s a real storyteller, and it’s really interesting to listen to his stories about his childhood or when he worked here or there because my pop likes to joke around a lot and always has. A lot of his stories revolve around practical jokes or the kinds of trouble he got into – he was caned once in his entire school career, and it was his last day of school. He left at 15 because his dad wanted him to start working, which he did. But because he didn’t feel like there was any point paying attention if he was leaving, the teacher noticed and caned him. He says he will never forget how humiliating it was, not to mention painful. So I told him he should write his memoirs and he told me he’s started to but is finding it very difficult. I can relate to that, because organising your thoughts, the way you speak, into coherent text is a lot harder than it looks. I keep wanting to write stuff down now, some of the really good memories, because I can already feel details slipping away and I know if I want to write my memoirs someday – not to be published, necessarily – I should start now when things are fresh rather than in my old age.

My pop has always kept a diary, I can never dedicate myself to that kind of thing, but he has, and I think if he never finishes his memoirs himself, if I used his diaries I would like to write them for him. He told us about my great-grandmother yesterday, I had never known very much about her, but his mother actually had a pretty hard life. She was raised by a nanny and believed that she was her mother, and her real mother was this woman who came by once in a while. And then her mother, her real one, decided she wanted to go to Australia and took her away and she was apparently taken from the nanny by this stranger kicking and screaming. Her mother had another child in Australia and after her father died she decided she wanted to go back to England, and because my great-grandmother didn’t want to go, she was adopted out to this farming family who only ‘adopted’ her to use as labour and they would beat her and abuse her. And she met my great-grandfather and he was apparently a fairly violent man and she ‘copped a bit from him’ though I think never so bad as what she got from that farming family. Still, it’s all stuff I didn’t know and it was morbidly fascinating.

Usually though my pop’s stories are funny anecdotes, a lot more light-hearted than that. He likes to make me squirm by telling me about the huntsmen he ran into frequently when he worked at the banana plantation. I hate spiders, all shapes and sizes, even money spiders, and he knows that and loves to make me uncomfortable by telling these stories. My mum does it too, maybe she inherited, tells me about the time she walked out of the shower and a huntsman dropped onto her head.

Damn straight. Neither am I.

Now onto the story of Lizzy’s and my movie! The title is a working one, probably not what we’ll keep: The Cool Third Wheel. It came about because Lizzy and I were talking about how if she ever got into a relationship, I would just be there all the time, but everyone would be okay with it for some reason. And Lizzy was like, ‘That’d be an interesting movie’ and so we jokingly started talking about scenes wherein I, the cool third wheel, would constantly be interrupting couple time and everyone would be really tolerant or amused. Then at some point we started taking it more seriously. We want it to be like ‘a year in the life’ type of thing, where the couple’s developing relationship is told throughout the year but always with the third wheel attached. We had a whole Halloween scenario, the couple’s early days, I’d be dressed as a vampire or something.

Friend: Ahem. We kind of want a bit of privacy just at the moment.
Third Wheel: Oh alright then. I’ll just sashay off then! *Sweeps cape around dramatically and leaves cafe*
Girl or Boyfriend: Is she always like that?
Friend: You get used to it after a while.
Third Wheel: *Re-enters, standing by the door* I forgot my brain in a jar. *Grabs a jar with a little fake brain inside it from the table by the door and leaves again*
Friend: It takes a while, but you do get used to it.

Scenes like that, because I’m that kind of a person.

We’re kind of excited to do it because we don’t want to do a heterosexual couple, we want to do two girls in a relationship, this because while it is breaking through into prime time television and so on, same-sex relationships aren’t shown often enough and when they are they’re usually (not always) but usually two men. We just wanted to try two women. We’re looking for friend willing to help us out – we have one already, PK is going to do it as long as we pay him in rainbow cupcakes. I think we can manage this.

  

There should also be pie involved.

     

So there’s that, and Lizzy and I have to write the script and stuff, but it seems like it’d be lots of fun! And to save on props, we’re thinking we’ll just film special occasions when they arise – like Halloween and Christmas and Easter and stuff, we’ll film when they’re actually happening so we don’t have to stock up on supplies… is that cheating? No! It’s resourcefulness.

I have a to do list today as well; I’ve got to do some packing, sort through some DVDs, have something to eat (maybe pie!) and actually get dressed. All before 3:30pm… and since it’s 1:14pm now, I probably should get started. So I will have to leave it again now. I swear I had more to say again but I suppose the mood passed me. Never mind, I’ll get on it again later. I’ll have to write about my weekend away and stuff when I get back, so look forward to that. Meanwhile, I’m going to watch some Supernatural! OH! AND HAPPY EASTER.

Lazily,
Lexiconish.

Mood:  This one speaks for itself.
Music: Heat of the Moment – Asia (and all Supernatural fans know why!)
Reading: Once again, Destiel fanfictions.

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Hello, hello! I have returned! I actually never meant to be gone so long. There’s just so much to talk about – maybe I’ve been saving all of it so that I had something to do. I actually haven’t been doing much, I’ve been kind of depressed, but I have some things I haven’t written about and I have things coming up, so hooray!

First of all, remember that acting workshop I said I was going to attend? It was awesome. I had a blast, I truly did, and Lizzy was with me and we just laughed about it the entire time. It was all those little games you know, but it was hilarious with the people we had. There was a game we played at the end that was ‘Who Am I?’ where two people decide what the scene is and who everyone in the scene is, and they begin and the third person walks in and has to work out who they are without asking any questions. Bruce was being a woman – we assume a woman – in labour and Lizzy was the doctor and the third girl who came in had no idea and it was just so funny to watch. It made me feel really accomplished and it was just a lot of fun, definitely something I want to persue. Every time we had a break Lizzy and I ate red vines!

The Hunger Games also came out, and was in fact a really good movie. The whole way up to the cinema, Lizzy and I were singing ‘Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These’ because of something on Tumblr, and now that song is our official theme for the series. It has a lot to do with this guy:

Shh. And on the way back we were looking out the back window with our heads back and Lizzy – who is into science and astronomy and such – was like, ‘I think that one is Sirius’ and I said, ‘It looks quite serious to me’. Lizzy: … Me: … Lizzy: And its background is very Black. Me: Eeeeeyyyyy! This is just how we are, we’re very easily amused. The streetlights kept blinding us when they came up though!

You may also notice I’ve become interested in Supernatural. My mum watched it a lot and I used to catch an episode here and there so I knew the basic storyline, but then I realised I had nothing to watch and decided to go out and buy the first 3 series so I could actually watch it in order. And I liked it so much I bought the rest of it – what’s available – and I cannot wait for more. I’m a Destiel shipper, and who can blame me? Plus, the cast of Supernatural are pretty much the most awesome, hilarious cast of any show ever. I am in love with them as a group.


“Don’t ever change.”


“It’s the Eye of the Tiger!”


“Evil!? I’m Crowley!”


Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki


“Thank you.”


Nothing will stop Misha tweeting his minions.

Sorry to overwhelm you with gifs again. But seriously, in love with this cast. They’re so great! So I’ve also been watching a lot of Supernatural and reading a lot of fan fiction and using Tumblr and generally doing what I did before with Glee which will be back soon as well. American shows like doing hiatuses I’ve noticed and I really don’t like it. British television never did that to me – except Sherlock and that was agony. Mostly watchingSupernatural is about having your heart ripped out and eviscerated time and time again as you watch. If you ship Destiel, you only make it worse for yourself, because I have honestly never sailed on an angstier ship. It’s tragic, that’s what it is.

Now moving on from that, I’ve been trying to write again. I really have been trying! And the other day I finally remembered I have this other e-mail address and I hadn’t checked it in ages, so I probably should. To my delight, a few weeks ago I received a review for Nearly Departed: The Necromancer’s Wife. I have mentioned this before, somewhere on this blog. In any case, I haven’t actually touched it in a while though I have still been thinking about it and what I’m doing with it. This reviewer actually informed me that they considered the story worthy to be published someday and I got so giddy I re-opened the document and started trying to get a feel for where I was at again. I don’t like a lot of what I did with this story, it needs a lot of work, but I still adore the characters and story and I think I can make something with it if I put in the work, which I will.

Yes, thank you Dean, it is awesome. And there is more awesome up and coming! Although the past few weeks (that have frankly felt like months) I have done very little besides the two things I have already mentioned, I have things to look forward to. Oh and before I forget: good luck to Lizzy on her Major Work for art, I hope you break those stereotypes!

It’s going to be awesome. I am involved, loosely…

Anyway, things coming up include Ironfest! Ironfest is a festival here in my hometown that celebrates metal and humanity and the relationship between them. Which sounds really boring when you say it that way, unless you write a little story about a man and his metal, and how in love they were. (It can be done. Anything can be done if the Sherlockfandom were able to write a fan fiction drabble about two pools who were in love.) Every year though, the festival has a new theme. Last year was Steampunk (hell yes!) and this year the theme is Apocalypse. Awesome, Dean? Awesome. Next year it’s going to be Time Travel, so I’m keen for that. In any case, there are belly dancers and metal workers and shops and there’s a war re-enactment and fireworks and there’s jousting and sword fighting and a display of executions (with you know, fake bodies) so it’s all pretty cool. So that’s going to be fun.

We also have Easter! Whoo! Chocolate!

We all do, Rory. So here is what’s going to happen:

On this day, I will see Lizzy and we’ll probably watchSupernaturaland then we’ll go to musical and leave an hour early. I will spend the night up at her place because on:

I am going with Lizzy and her mum to Canberra to spend the night in a hotel and I will probably act like such a kid because I’ll feel just like I’m Sam or Dean on a hunt and hey, everyone thinks Lizzy and I are sisters anyway (no, they really do, not sure why) and she’s taller than me and smarter than me and I like food more than she does, unhealthy food and she’s younger than me and OH MY GOD we’re the female versions of Sam and Dean! Not really but anyway. We’ll be in Canberra because on:

We’re going to see this Renaissance Italian art exhibition which is pretty cool actually even though it’s not usually my thing, so that’s awesome, and we get back late on Saturday night so I’m staying at her place again, then they’ll drop me home on:

For EASTER! Whoo! But in order to do this Canberra thing, I might, probably, almost definitely be working from 5:30 to close, but then is Easter Sunday so maybe we’ll be dead anyway and I’ll get extra pay which is quite convenient anyway since I wasn’t able to work this last week. And then it’ll be:

And I will go to musical… sigh. And then it’ll be:

Wherin I won’t do much… and then it’ll be:

Again, and I really just wanted to complete the week of gifs, so sorry about that. And so that and Ironfest is pretty much all April will be to me, but then it’s May and the musical will be performed in May and my brother and his wife’s first anniversay is in May so that’s all pretty awesome. Do I give them paper for their first anniversary? I’m not sure. I’ll just give them a card. And after all that I’ll be trying to go to some short acting courses and such, so there will at least be something to do I suppose.

Oh and I haven’t even told you about Lizzy’s and my plan to make a movie! Okay, it’s going to be really cool, but because it’s a really interesting topic, and I feel I’ve prattled enough here…

Okay, okay. I’ll save it for my next blog. Deal? I’ll write it maybe tomorrow. There’s a whole tonne of other stuff I wanted to talk about here but since I can’t fit it in, I will write another blog tomorrow while I wait for Lizzy to drop by. Okay? Brief preview: the movie, plans to see Titanic and Hunger Games with Lizzy and Mel, my pop’s memoirs, memories in general.

Okay then. I’m out.

Eagerly,
Lexiconish.

Mood:  Confused
Music: Carry On My Wayward Son – Kansas
Reading: Destiel Fanfictions.

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