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Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

Hello again. It’s been a while since my last post, but by now that should be nothing new to anyone following my posts… which I’m pretty sure is no one. Whatever.

Well about a week ago I was planning on writing a lovely blog about what I’ve been doing, lots of fun things with my older sister Sally. But in the week since my mood has taken a significant swing in the other direction, and that’s going to reflect in my post, for which I apologise.

But it’s time to get serious, and really kind of personal. I’ve a little announcement to make: I have depression. Now actually that’s not an enormous deal. A large portion of the population suffers depression to some degree or another. Not everyone will be diagnosed with it. Some people will just write it off as being sad. But it remains a fact of my life.

Depression can often be hereditary. My father has depression, my mother has anxiety and my sister has anxiety. It’s not really surprising that I have depression. But it isn’t necessarily because of hereditary reasons. As a matter of fact, a lot of it is to do with my father, who is a very difficult man to live with. It isn’t his fault, not at all, but it makes life incredibly difficult for me, where I am so similar to him in many ways.

Our similarities have led to regular conflict between us, a great number of arguments. A part of me is quite frightened of my father, although I doubt he would ever physically hurt me, and he loves me, so I doubt he’s aware of how much emotional trauma he causes me.

Recently my father lost his job. As a matter of fact, he lost a job he’d had for a little over thirty years a couple of years ago, and being in his fifties with no other job experience, and no skills to offer, he found it extremely difficult to get another job. Eventually he succeeded in getting a job in security after doing a short course, but he was only casual, and his employers decided to cut back to two guards. So my father was laid off. As a result, he is now in kind of a rut, stuck at home. I am unfortunately in a similar state, because I don’t really have a purpose to my life at the moment, and my only job is casual as a cleaner, where for the past two weeks there has been no work for me.

It’s driving us both a little crazy.

No, a lot crazy.

We’re fighting a lot more. And I spend half the day asleep, and the other half crawling around the floor for lack of anything better to do, and getting called ‘Bridget’ by my mother in reference to ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ which is a movie I happen to despise, actually, so it only increases my ire.

Last night I had a bit of a panic attack at the idea of being cooped up. It was too late to go outside for a long walk, which was what I abruptly wanted to do – and I wanted to do it at night too, but I’d never have been allowed. I felt so frustrated and restless and I had the increasing need to scream, but I couldn’t, and there isn’t anywhere you can go to scream without attracting attention, and screaming into my pillow has never helped me. So in a fit of panic, I realised I was hyperventilating. In an effort to stop, I wound up holding my breath, letting a little out and sucking it back in – it took me choking to realise I was suffocating myself. Obviously I felt even more panicked, and wound up going into the bathroom, locking the door, crawling into the empty tub, and sitting in the dark for a good long hour trying to breathe and not think about anything.

The worst thing, I think, is that it all happened right under my parents’ noses. They didn’t even notice me. I was sitting behind my mother at the kitchen table when I was having trouble breathing, and she didn’t even realise. My legs were shaking, and I was dizzy. The thing is, I know it’s not that they don’t care, or that they wouldn’t notice if I were gone; one of the few things that has ever kept me from ending it all is the knowledge of how much I would hurt the people I love. But I realised that last night I could easily have slipped out of the house and wandered around outside for hours before they would have realised I was gone; if they even would have. That is a little frightening.

It’s scary when I get really upset. I frighten myself. Sometimes I disgust myself with the things I think. I catch myself thinking about how I could kill myself, and then think about the fact that I’m being dramatic, that maybe that’s the only reason I really want to do it. Maybe I don’t want to get better because having depression in some twisted way makes me feel special. Different. Gives me something to blame my moods on. Gives me a reason for why I feel like a freak – no, I can tell myself, I’m not a freak, I just have depression. And I think I sicken myself, a little, and I think about how messed up the world is and how so many have it worse than me… which inevitably leads me back to wishing I lived anywhere else, and wondering why I’m alive at all. And it’s a nasty cycle I fall into until I force myself not to think at all.

When I get unhappy, my method is escapism. I get sucked right into fandom, ignore the world around me, because it makes me happy. I can forget myself for a little while. Fandom literally keeps me breathing, and it’s shocking how important it is to me. I don’t think anyone in my life realises that as much as it damages my life in places, it gives me a great deal more. The only problem is of course when I can’t find anything to distract myself, and that’s when I get like I did last night. That’s how I’ve been all week.

If I don’t find something to occupy myself very soon, I am very scared of what might happen to me. My life needs direction, I have always, always craved it, even as I’ve always used escapism. The trouble is simply that I don’t know what to do, and that I’ve felt so incredibly lost for so long now that I don’t know how, don’t have the motivation to press on and find my way.

I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’m very scared and very alone.

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And with that in mind, I really, really want to thank fandom. The people in these fandoms, the creators of the shows, the books, the movies, the creators of music, the writers of fan fiction, the vidders on YouTube, you all have no idea how valuable you are to someone like me, how kind and welcoming you are, how accepting of someone who has very rarely felt accepted. You are an anchor for me and I am so very, very grateful. Thank you.

Mood: tumblr_lyojwaqjWt1qbfgrs
Music: Caves – Founds
Reading: JohnLock fics.

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Okay, I’m in a considerably better place this time.

So, turns out I had nothing to worry about regarding breaking up. I could have cried with relief when he called to say that, what with him going away to university, it probably wouldn’t last. It irritated me that my family was in the room so we couldn’t talk properly and I couldn’t say what I really needed to, but we’re done with that now and we’re moving on.

In other news, I watched “On My Way”, the latest episode of Glee. It reduced me to tears several times and I cannot wait for the next episode which won’t arrive for a while yet. We thank Chris and Darren for being so adorable in the meantime, and trying to make it easier on us.

Cough Syrup is one of my new favourite songs. It makes me cry, but anyway, so does Chapel of Love now thanks to Quinn. Seriously, Glee fans react like this to those two songs:

But that episode opened up an important conversation between a friend and I. It started out generally, I cried to her about the episode, but then I pointed out how no one talks about suicide; it’s a taboo topic and people don’t know how to broach it, so they just don’t. But society can’t ignore its presence. I was really proud that Glee had done that, actually, because in such a medium, it really shocks people and they start talking about it. And we did, my friend and I, it got us talking about it and why someone would and how we’d feel if someone we knew were to attempt it and so on. Lots of more personal things came out throughout this conversation, and out of respect for her privacy, I won’t reveal which friend it was or what exactly was said, but it got me to open up as well.

And so we talked about things that we wanted. Because the things that depressed me led to talking about the future I wanted more than anything else, but that I felt would always be denied to me because it’s just so unlikely; and it is, and I know and accept that, but I hate people telling me that over and over, because then it’s like they’re saying, ‘It’s unlikely, so don’t even bother trying to begin with’.

And then she did the most amazing thing, this friend of mine. No really. No amount of crying gifs can express what my face was doing at this point. Because our conversation was on MSN, and she couldn’t see me, but she started telling me the practical route to this future that I wanted. And she painted the nicest picture of it all, like the whole process of getting there, so it doesn’t actually seem quite so hopeless anymore. And I keep thinking back to her words now when I get down on myself about it, because she genuinely made me cry and honestly, she was doing exactly what Kurt does for Karofsky in that scene in the hospital. It’s not something I’ll be forgetting any time soon, probably never.

And since she occasionally reads this blog, I’d like to once again thank her profusely for what she said. It meant a lot to me.

So now there’s a workshop on the 11th of March that I’ll be attending. There’s a guy in my town who went into acting, he was in a KFC ad, and then he went to study in America. Well he just got back and he’s offered to do a workshop where he’ll teach some of the things he learnt in America to people in the musical society.

I sure picked the right year to join. So it really could be worse.

And there are different short courses coming up in a couple of months I can go to for ACTT even though I missed the other one, so it’s a good thing I signed up for the newsletter. Next year I am absolutely going to audition for a spot in the long term courses. In the meantime, I think I’m going to do my RSA and such so I can get a new job in a bar or something so I can start saving for this future I want so badly.

Because as my friend said, it’s unlikely, but it isn’t impossible. It may not happen exactly the way I want it to now, but it could be just as good.

Oh, and I finally got to see “The Help” last night. It’s a brilliant movie and also reduced me to tears. I think my eyes are just looking for any excuse to leak these days. Anyway, mum said at the end “It’s hard to believe we used to treat people as inferior like that.” I just gaped at her because, yes, things have improved – but wait, have they? I think it’s just less obvious now, but it’s still happening. I mean, we’re still denying homosexuals the right to get married, and really I see no reason to be doing that. It’s not right. And yes, we still look down on anyone who is ‘different’. So it hasn’t really changed all that much. So I told her that and she seemed genuinely confused, and I hope it’s just because I’m rubbish at putting my thoughts into words, and not because she hasn’t realised it.

Anyway.

Oh God. Chapel of Love just came on my shuffle. WHY DID I DOWNLOAD THIS SONG? *Weeps hysterically*.

Woefully,
Lexiconish

Mood: Optimistic (despite the crying happening right now because of this damned song)
Music: Chapel of Love – Dixie Cups
Reading: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

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