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Yo.

So, I’m beginning to clue in on the fact that I am a truly horrible person. Considering how horrible I am, the things I say suddenly sound so sanctimonious! And it’s good that I’m not going anywhere fast, because I’m a horrible, horrible person.

Or at least a mega bitch when it comes to relationships.

I’ve never had one, really, right? But I was certain I never wanted to be in one. Only people are always saying ‘try something new’ or ‘you don’t know until you try’, so I felt like I couldn’t really say I’d hate that if I never tried it (even though I was sure I wouldn’t like it, the very idea was discomforting). And I knew that one of my friends had always kinda liked me. And I saw it as possible – I really want to stress that I genuinely wanted to try because I liked him, and not just because it was a viable option! So I asked him and he said yes and I really, really tried to be comfortable with it. I kept reminding myself that of course it’d be awkward in the beginning, or because we were friends first, or something… but nothing is changing and in fact I’m just feeling worse. People keep asking if I like him like I’m meant to, and I say I don’t know – but I do know, and I don’t see him that way. It’s like this was all on a whim. But it wasn’t, exactly. But still.

And it sucks because we’re really good friends and he’s such a nice guy. If I wanted a relationship, I couldn’t do any better, I swear! And that’s why it’s so terrible, because I feel like I’m using him, kind of. I don’t want this to drag on, it’s just cruel and uncomfortable for me anyway. I don’t want him to become too invested, and he’s had dinner here and Valentine’s Day is coming up so it would be awful to let this drag on until then because obviously he’d feel obligated to get me something, right? And it’d be wrong to let him do that knowing how I really feel.

But I’m a bitch because I’m the one who asked him out and I’m the one who invited him over for dinner and I’m the one who keeps organising everything and I don’t know how to tell him it isn’t going to work out, I just don’t feel anything! It’s not even the first time I’ve done something like this, because we went out before in year nine, but then I felt I wasn’t ready and I was too scared to end it face to face so I wrote him a freaking note and how sucky is that? I can’t believe he stayed friends with me after that! And before that, I know he and another friend (one of his friends too) both liked me at the same time and I actually had to consider which one to choose, which seems really terrible, and really I’m just a horrible person and a mega relationship bitch, aren’t I?

So the thing is, I have to end it because the longer it goes on, the worse it will be when it inevitably ends, and really why stay locked in something I know isn’t going to last because I can’t reciprocate, right? But I started this and I do like him, we’re friends, so really I was just an ass about this whole thing. What do I do? I can’t let it continue, I have to end it.

Additionally, he lives out of town, and it’s hard to just casually meet up. Which means I would actually have to organise a meeting just to tell him it’s over, and it’s really tricky organising anything because he lives out of town and works often.

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Suffer? Obviously, I’ve brought it on myself. But I’m going to hurt him in the process, which is ultimately the worst bit. I’m really bad at coming up with the right words in the moment too, everything comes out perfectly when I write, but when I’m faced with someone and I’m speaking to them, I’m not nearly so clear and I really need him to understand for selfish, stupid reasons.

I. Am. A horrible. Person.

Yes, I know. Why are you telling me? This post is full of self-hate.

I really just want it over. I think I’m ready to dig myself out of my hole, and the first thing I need to do is deal with all the mistakes I’ve been making lately, and put them behind me. Like, way behind me. I guess, it seems cruel to say (what else is new?) but if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore, I’m willing to let him be. Because really, we’re both going totally different directions anyway, and we mostly keep in touch over Facebook, so it wouldn’t be all that different. I think, with him going to uni and me making this decision to do something with drama, well it’s time to stop lying about how we feel and stuff. This isn’t going anywhere, I hope we both know that. It’ll make it easier. I want to stay friends with him, however distant, but if he wants to stop talking, that’s okay too and I deserve it, understand it and respect it.

But first of all I need to do it. Which is hard because I’m so clear about it in my head, I keep forgetting I haven’t dealt with the situation. I also need to apply for a place in this short 4 week course in Sydney before it’s too late. I need to stop clearing things up only in my head, it isn’t helping reality. Reality is harder, much, much harder, and it hurts and all, but I’m getting this feeling that if I can make my dreams reality, well, the reality of my dreams will feel a thousand times better than I can ever imagine. Because good things are real too.

All this said, please, please, anyone who reads this; help me work out how to do it. What to say, at least roughly, and how to arrange a meeting. I can’t just say it to him if I see him at work, can I? I have to sit down and talk – and God forbid I start out with ‘we need to talk’ because I’ve got a gut feeling I’ll accidentally say that or something along those lines… – but I have to talk with him in a not-so-formal setting. I can’t arrange a ‘date’ only to break it off, it seems a lot worse. So, what should I do, exactly?

Am I just confusing you?

… Sorry.

Self-loathingly,
Lexiconish.

Mood: Piteous
Music: Smooth Criminal – Glee Cast
Book: … I have no motivation to read…

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Hello again!

I am officially finished school. I have the HSC exams to do, but officially I have completed thirteen years of school. Yay!

We have been working really hard, and the final week of school was pretty much the time for us to all break loose as a grade one last time before we all part ways to become the new youth of the world.

Monday was a car wash, to raise money for our formal at the end of the year, and fun as that was we also had an auction. Of slaves. My year put themselves on the line and found out their value to the community. I think the highest bid was somewhere around $100, but for a human life that’s pretty cheap. My friend Lizzy bought my friends Ryan, Tate and Will – we tried to buy Connor, Liam and Max too but we weren’t loud enough. Lizzy loaned them to us, and they went for $42. Two girls went for $2.

After that, on Tuesday we held a sausage sizzle to raise even more money, and it was a success. I didn’t organise it but I bought a drink from it and none of us went to classes that day. Except my ancient history class – dedication or what?

Wednesday was Slave Day itself. Lizzy took our three slaves to the art building and loaned Will to Yaniah in photography. Lizzy and I didn’t have any classes so we amused ourselves in an art room with Amanda. During second period we decided to send Ryan and Tate out to dance in front of everyone, which sparked the amazing idea of getting them to dance for a little more fundraising. They were all dressed in suits and sunglasses with water guns, as the Russian mafia. They had accents and everything; they’re good at accents. Anyway, we made a sign “Russian Mafia Dance Crew” with the logo and then we marched out at recess to dance. I carried a sign explaining that songs or dance moves could be requested for a coin donation – even 5c would be acceptable. Lizzy pumped music from the art room out the window and it was great fun, though we only ended up making $2.20 from it.

Thursday was Muck Up Day. Lots of things happen on Muck Up Day – it used to be a much bigger event, actually. When my parents were in year 12, my dad’s year flooded a quad using sandbags to block it off and raced little paper boats across the surface. My mother and her friends kidnapped their science teacher and tied her (in a raincoat) to the flag pole, throwing water bombs and such at her. A few years ago the students covered one side of a teacher’s car in L plates, leaving the driver side blank so that she wouldn’t notice initially. That kind of thing is no longer allowed – why, every year it is tradtition to take over the assembly. My mother’s year did it dressed as nazis in a jeep back when they had assemblies outside. But were we allowed? No. They forbid us from entering the hall. So in revenge, we covered the stairs outside the exit in plastic cups and filled them all with water:

ys

Additionally we had a Great Debate between students and teachers with the topic “Students are more insane than teachers” with the students on the negative. It was a lot of fun and very entertaining – I was part of the team and got up to speak, so I feel quite proud of myself! It was just a lot of nonsense, but so very worth while.

Finally today was the presentation – the grand finale. There were tears. There was laughter. Most importantly, there was an end. How am I celebrating? I, ladies and gents, am going to a ball. Don’t worry. There will be photos.

… I had been dancing a lot. Sadly, the above image is me!

Music: Mr Blue Sky – ELO
Mood: Tired
Book: Artemis Fowl – Annual Reading Number One

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