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Hey, so wow. It’s been a long time since I posted anything, but sadly it’s not so much that I’ve been too busy as it is, I just can’t be bothered when I think to do it. I suppose plenty of things have happened.

I started a new job as a cleaner at these apartments round the corner from my house. We’ve got some units in Main St too, which I’ll be working at when they’re ready. After a month I quit my old job, so now I’ve only got one job. But when I quit they got me a card and chocolates and were all very nice to me, and I’m actually really going to miss everyone, especially my manager, who I spoke to regularly. One of the girls actually rushed up and hugged me at the end of my last shift and I was kind of blown away. I suppose I had been there for four years.

And now my parents are going away on holiday for the second time this year and leaving me home alone. So I’ll be here for two weeks alone, and because I don’t have my license, and because I’ve been wanting to exercise more, we’ve just bought a new bike for me. So I’ll be riding it everywhere, except the apartments because that really is just around the corner. But I’m also doing one hour’s cleaning a week for this elderly woman, who is very nice and friendly, but I’m still kind of awkward around her, that’s how I am. $25 a week from that. So I’m thinking I’ll save all my money from the apartments for university and things that are important, and the $25 a week will be to just use on more frivolous things. It certainly puts a limit on what I buy. That’s a good thing.

I went to a university Open Day the other day. I’ve decided I want to go there, it’s in Sydney. I’ll, hopefully, do a Bachelor of Arts majoring in history and minoring in creative writing. The courses look really good. However, I can’t go right now because my ATAR score was so low. I’ve got two options I’m considering; either a certificate IV course at a TAFE for a year, which I need a credit average in, or a year at any other Australian university. Depending on my marks I could be considered for the other uni and I could transfer. That’s the plan! There is a university near my town I could travel to every day, or board there, and I’ve got an okay chance of getting in there if I’m quick.

So I want to save for university, and for the next year continue working where I am. That money will go towards a move to Sydney, and towards university fees, and the experience may get me a job up there. But I’ll also be doing a barista course at TAFE, just as a back up thing. So much to do! But I do feel better having a plan.

I haven’t given up on acting. But I’m still very self-conscious and I don’t think I could do it just yet. So I’m working on my image of myself. Exercise, healthier diet. If I feel better about my appearance, I think I’ll be okay with the flaws in my personality. When I do go to the Sydney uni I’m planning to, I also want to do a short, part-time acting course at this acting school. It’ll be a crazy amount of work, but it’ll give me an idea of whether it’s something I can actually persue. If I really like it and see myself going somewhere with it, I’ll try and get into a full-time program. If that works out I can leave the uni and go to the acting school. But if it turns out it’s not for me, I’ll be able to continue at the uni and work with history and writing. Yay for fallbacks!

And really other than those rather major developments, there’s not much else happening. Nothing life-changing anyway.

Ooccoo and Poe are full grown now. Poe did turn out to be a rooster. He crows every day at 4-4:30am, and then intermittantly throughout the day, but he’s not too bad, and no complaints so far. I don’t hear him if I’m asleep, but then again, I slept through an explosion around the corner from my house once.

I’m still hooked on Supernatural, but I’ve been reading Merlin fan fictions lately. I have missed Merlin. I’ve discovered my ability to multi-ship – Merlin/Arthur as well as Merlin/Morgana. And Doctor Who’s new season has begun, Supernatural’s new season starts next month, Glee starts in a week or so, Once Upon A Time starts at the end of September, and everything’s kicking off. I also watched the first episode of Garrow’s Law last night. Not a bad show, I may consider continuing.

While my parents are away, all of my friends continue school and uni, so I won’t even have their company. Last time this led to a 12 day Apocalypse Diary. I dread to think what 2 weeks are going to do to me. Fortunately, the third week I’ll be going up to join them. I’m a little miffed at only being allowed to go for one week. Okay, I’m a lot miffed, since they had their little two-person getaway already, but my complaints have fallen on deaf ears.

Speaking of my friends, however, since I no longer see most of them, my only contact is through Facebook. Say what you like, it does come in handy when you can’t visit people regularly. In any case, two of my friends, Connor and Liam, declared the other night that they were in a relationship. For the most part we all gathered it was a joke, but they wouldn’t say ye or nay, and considering it was possible if unlikely that it wasn’t a joke, everyone spent the next 24 hours in a state of confusion, trying to uncover the truth.

Oh God I never thought I’d have the opportunity to use that gif. Never. Thanks guys, I owe you one. Anyway, of course it turned out to be a joke. They ‘broke up’ the next day. Kind of blew a hole in my plans to cross off ‘Have A Gay Best Friend’ on my bucket list. One day, guys, one day…

I think I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and say that’s a wrap for now. Perhaps we will meet again…

Well probably, almost definitely, because I have an abnormally large collection of gifs and I want to use them an unhealthy amount, but I can’t figure out how to do it on Tumblr, so here we are.

Toodles!
Lexiconish.

Mood:
Music: You’re The Voice – John Farnham
Watching: Merlin
Reading: Life’s That Way – Jim Beaver
Merlin fan fictions

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Yo.

So, I’m beginning to clue in on the fact that I am a truly horrible person. Considering how horrible I am, the things I say suddenly sound so sanctimonious! And it’s good that I’m not going anywhere fast, because I’m a horrible, horrible person.

Or at least a mega bitch when it comes to relationships.

I’ve never had one, really, right? But I was certain I never wanted to be in one. Only people are always saying ‘try something new’ or ‘you don’t know until you try’, so I felt like I couldn’t really say I’d hate that if I never tried it (even though I was sure I wouldn’t like it, the very idea was discomforting). And I knew that one of my friends had always kinda liked me. And I saw it as possible – I really want to stress that I genuinely wanted to try because I liked him, and not just because it was a viable option! So I asked him and he said yes and I really, really tried to be comfortable with it. I kept reminding myself that of course it’d be awkward in the beginning, or because we were friends first, or something… but nothing is changing and in fact I’m just feeling worse. People keep asking if I like him like I’m meant to, and I say I don’t know – but I do know, and I don’t see him that way. It’s like this was all on a whim. But it wasn’t, exactly. But still.

And it sucks because we’re really good friends and he’s such a nice guy. If I wanted a relationship, I couldn’t do any better, I swear! And that’s why it’s so terrible, because I feel like I’m using him, kind of. I don’t want this to drag on, it’s just cruel and uncomfortable for me anyway. I don’t want him to become too invested, and he’s had dinner here and Valentine’s Day is coming up so it would be awful to let this drag on until then because obviously he’d feel obligated to get me something, right? And it’d be wrong to let him do that knowing how I really feel.

But I’m a bitch because I’m the one who asked him out and I’m the one who invited him over for dinner and I’m the one who keeps organising everything and I don’t know how to tell him it isn’t going to work out, I just don’t feel anything! It’s not even the first time I’ve done something like this, because we went out before in year nine, but then I felt I wasn’t ready and I was too scared to end it face to face so I wrote him a freaking note and how sucky is that? I can’t believe he stayed friends with me after that! And before that, I know he and another friend (one of his friends too) both liked me at the same time and I actually had to consider which one to choose, which seems really terrible, and really I’m just a horrible person and a mega relationship bitch, aren’t I?

So the thing is, I have to end it because the longer it goes on, the worse it will be when it inevitably ends, and really why stay locked in something I know isn’t going to last because I can’t reciprocate, right? But I started this and I do like him, we’re friends, so really I was just an ass about this whole thing. What do I do? I can’t let it continue, I have to end it.

Additionally, he lives out of town, and it’s hard to just casually meet up. Which means I would actually have to organise a meeting just to tell him it’s over, and it’s really tricky organising anything because he lives out of town and works often.

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Suffer? Obviously, I’ve brought it on myself. But I’m going to hurt him in the process, which is ultimately the worst bit. I’m really bad at coming up with the right words in the moment too, everything comes out perfectly when I write, but when I’m faced with someone and I’m speaking to them, I’m not nearly so clear and I really need him to understand for selfish, stupid reasons.

I. Am. A horrible. Person.

Yes, I know. Why are you telling me? This post is full of self-hate.

I really just want it over. I think I’m ready to dig myself out of my hole, and the first thing I need to do is deal with all the mistakes I’ve been making lately, and put them behind me. Like, way behind me. I guess, it seems cruel to say (what else is new?) but if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore, I’m willing to let him be. Because really, we’re both going totally different directions anyway, and we mostly keep in touch over Facebook, so it wouldn’t be all that different. I think, with him going to uni and me making this decision to do something with drama, well it’s time to stop lying about how we feel and stuff. This isn’t going anywhere, I hope we both know that. It’ll make it easier. I want to stay friends with him, however distant, but if he wants to stop talking, that’s okay too and I deserve it, understand it and respect it.

But first of all I need to do it. Which is hard because I’m so clear about it in my head, I keep forgetting I haven’t dealt with the situation. I also need to apply for a place in this short 4 week course in Sydney before it’s too late. I need to stop clearing things up only in my head, it isn’t helping reality. Reality is harder, much, much harder, and it hurts and all, but I’m getting this feeling that if I can make my dreams reality, well, the reality of my dreams will feel a thousand times better than I can ever imagine. Because good things are real too.

All this said, please, please, anyone who reads this; help me work out how to do it. What to say, at least roughly, and how to arrange a meeting. I can’t just say it to him if I see him at work, can I? I have to sit down and talk – and God forbid I start out with ‘we need to talk’ because I’ve got a gut feeling I’ll accidentally say that or something along those lines… – but I have to talk with him in a not-so-formal setting. I can’t arrange a ‘date’ only to break it off, it seems a lot worse. So, what should I do, exactly?

Am I just confusing you?

… Sorry.

Self-loathingly,
Lexiconish.

Mood: Piteous
Music: Smooth Criminal – Glee Cast
Book: … I have no motivation to read…

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Hai guys! What’s up? It’s been a while, mostly because I discovered Tumblr. It’s more of a picture blog, but GIFS, so what can you do?

Actually, that’s only part of the reason. Mostly it’s because I have become thoroughly obsessed with Glee. It’s crazy. But cool. Look, it’s Kurt Hummel, the best character on the whole show:

And honestly, I think that his character is TOO MUCH AWESOME to handle sometimes… and the actor? Chris Colfer? He should be arrested for being too god damn adorable. Plus… SAI KNIVES. That’s the only reason I was able to choose this image. I have more gifs for Glee than any other show ever. So many gifs, most of Kurt/Chris and I love them all, and all will someday be of use to me I’m sure.

Here’s Blaine Anderson. He’s the next best character.

And together, they are my OTP:

Finn’s also awesome. And Puck. And Rachel – yeah, I like her, though she’s annoying. And Mike and Tina and Artie and Quinn and Brittany and Santana and Sam and Sunshine (haha) and Matt and Mr Schuester and Emma and Sue and Becky and Jean and and and and and and and… but not Sebastian. He’s just a whore. I’m sure the actor, Grant Gustin, is a perfectly nice person, and that is why I always feel bad when I see a picture of him and my go-to reaction is:

Just because he plays Sebastian. Who is an asshole. I don’t think it’s healthy to hate a fictional being so much.

Other than all my Gleeking out, and there has been a lot of that, I assure you… not much is happening. I finished school and Christmas is over and everyone I know is going to uni now and moving away so… I’m kind of treading water right now. I’ll tell you what I really want to do though I don’t know if I should: I want to act. I’m considering this course, a short one for now, and I’ve joined the local musical society – it’s all we’ve got, theatre wise, and we’re doing Jekyll and Hyde.

Some people I tell react like this:

Most of them are friends. Other people react like this:

 or

Which makes me react like this:

or

And in general I’m switching from:

 and

to

 and

Because I’m thinking… ‘What are you, crazy? No, no, you can do it, it happens. But not to you, moron! Why not to me? Talent, you need talent! I’m talented, maybe? No, not really. But I could be. Um, no ARGH.’ Because I want to act like:

or

But I know it’ll be more like

and

So… yeah, that’s basically it. I’m SO sorry for the overload of Glee-gifs… but uhhh… I love Glee and I love gifs, and truth is, I’m not actually that sorry 🙂 But as an apology, have a few random gifs… Supernatural… and… random ones:


This one is how you guys are feeling.


Or maybe you feel like this one…


This one is just… because.

And this one… guys, I just like using gifs and I have a lot. So now… that, that’s me… and he, he is you.

Bye now!

Mood: Probably over-tired.
Music: Halo/Walking on Sunshine – Glee Cast
Reading: … Glee fan fiction ^^ (Not even ashamed. Some of it is CrissColfer too. I love that stuff too. No shame.)

Unashamedly,
Lexiconish.

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Hello again!

I am officially finished school. I have the HSC exams to do, but officially I have completed thirteen years of school. Yay!

We have been working really hard, and the final week of school was pretty much the time for us to all break loose as a grade one last time before we all part ways to become the new youth of the world.

Monday was a car wash, to raise money for our formal at the end of the year, and fun as that was we also had an auction. Of slaves. My year put themselves on the line and found out their value to the community. I think the highest bid was somewhere around $100, but for a human life that’s pretty cheap. My friend Lizzy bought my friends Ryan, Tate and Will – we tried to buy Connor, Liam and Max too but we weren’t loud enough. Lizzy loaned them to us, and they went for $42. Two girls went for $2.

After that, on Tuesday we held a sausage sizzle to raise even more money, and it was a success. I didn’t organise it but I bought a drink from it and none of us went to classes that day. Except my ancient history class – dedication or what?

Wednesday was Slave Day itself. Lizzy took our three slaves to the art building and loaned Will to Yaniah in photography. Lizzy and I didn’t have any classes so we amused ourselves in an art room with Amanda. During second period we decided to send Ryan and Tate out to dance in front of everyone, which sparked the amazing idea of getting them to dance for a little more fundraising. They were all dressed in suits and sunglasses with water guns, as the Russian mafia. They had accents and everything; they’re good at accents. Anyway, we made a sign “Russian Mafia Dance Crew” with the logo and then we marched out at recess to dance. I carried a sign explaining that songs or dance moves could be requested for a coin donation – even 5c would be acceptable. Lizzy pumped music from the art room out the window and it was great fun, though we only ended up making $2.20 from it.

Thursday was Muck Up Day. Lots of things happen on Muck Up Day – it used to be a much bigger event, actually. When my parents were in year 12, my dad’s year flooded a quad using sandbags to block it off and raced little paper boats across the surface. My mother and her friends kidnapped their science teacher and tied her (in a raincoat) to the flag pole, throwing water bombs and such at her. A few years ago the students covered one side of a teacher’s car in L plates, leaving the driver side blank so that she wouldn’t notice initially. That kind of thing is no longer allowed – why, every year it is tradtition to take over the assembly. My mother’s year did it dressed as nazis in a jeep back when they had assemblies outside. But were we allowed? No. They forbid us from entering the hall. So in revenge, we covered the stairs outside the exit in plastic cups and filled them all with water:

ys

Additionally we had a Great Debate between students and teachers with the topic “Students are more insane than teachers” with the students on the negative. It was a lot of fun and very entertaining – I was part of the team and got up to speak, so I feel quite proud of myself! It was just a lot of nonsense, but so very worth while.

Finally today was the presentation – the grand finale. There were tears. There was laughter. Most importantly, there was an end. How am I celebrating? I, ladies and gents, am going to a ball. Don’t worry. There will be photos.

… I had been dancing a lot. Sadly, the above image is me!

Music: Mr Blue Sky – ELO
Mood: Tired
Book: Artemis Fowl – Annual Reading Number One

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“Oh hey, where do you work?”
“A slaughterhouse masquerading as a friendly pizza place. And you?”

 

Uh-huh. Why? Because we sell heartattacks in a box. Literal cardiac arrest just waiting to happen. The recent promotion consists of lamb ribs with a sliver of meat on them, meatballs and an unhealthy dose of sauce. The reason it’s so bad? I wash the dishes and the worst thing I have to do in that regard is clean the pans in which we cook the ribs. Without any exaggeration, there are layers of fat the colour of cream and the thickness of butter coating the bottoms of the pans and that’s when we actually put the paper on them.

Disgusted yet? You really should be. I mean it. It’s really that bad. If they had an honest slogan, it would be ‘The tasty road to death’. It’s like we have an ulterior motive behind feeding you people – sans money, of course. I want to be dead honest and reveal the name of this pizza place, but I bet you can guess and on the off chance this thing is found by my employers… I kinda want to keep my job. Even though I work for a slaughterhouse.

All that nonsense aside, this is both a review blog and a personal blog. So until I summon the energy to do a review, I’ll continue on a personal note. I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned it, but I plan to be a published author – I’ve wanted it since I was about six, and I’ve been writing just as long. The quality has thankfully improved with time.

The biggest bugger though is that I haven’t ever finished writing a novel. In July last year I had a dream about a man in a top hat walking along with a blind woman who was angry with him. They appeared to be in Australian country, and were on opposite sides of what seemed a never-ending fence. Eventually something happened causing them to turn into sheep which some farmer found and thought were good so he figured he should try and breed them. In the end, the story I derived from it had very little to do with the dream, as often happens, but I ended up creating a story with my friend and putting the vague outline into play.

I was never taking it seriously. I didn’t initially plan for it to be anything decent, it was kind of a joke to entertain myself. Yet somehow it became my primary focus, and best of all, it’s a mere two to three chapters away from it’s conclusion.

However I seem to be stuck. I think the reason is that I am missing something in the story that I need to carry through, a real element that I skimmed over. Because of this, I’ve decided that in order to finish the whole story, I need to go back to the beginning and edit the whole thing.

Today I began on chapter one and the prologue. I find chapter one to be dreary and not captivating in any way, and since I know many people who judge a book by its first five pages, I consider that a serious problem. Re-writing chapter one is proving to be more of a challenge than I thought it would be.

The story is called Nearly Departed: Book One: The Necromancer`s Wife – the plan is to have three books. It`s about a necromancer, Shin, who tricks a blind tribe girl, Kana, into marrying him by pretending to be her betrothed whom she had never met. We then follow their lives from that point. So the first chapter is about the meeting, the lie, and then the wedding. Writing a tribal wedding is tricky since the tribe, and the region, is an invented one. This comes with new customs, new clothing, new beliefs. It’s… difficult for me. It’s good fun to write but the editing almost feels like a step backwards instead of the descent to the goal line… Originally I didn’t write very much about the wedding because the first chapter was more of a prologue, but it didn’t work out as such. The prologue needed less work because I wrote it much later, near the end of the story.

I want to add more development to the relationships in the story, and have more demonstrated through actions for interpretation rather than telling the reader everything. So even though I’m nearly finished the first draft… I can tell it’s a long way from being complete. I’ll keep you all posted though! Want to see a picture of the main two characters and their cat? My friend drew it for me, and I coloured it. She’s amazing 😀

So that’s pretty much it for now. I’m almost finished school. I’m nearly eighteen… Stuff’s happening ^^

Cheerily,
Lexiconish.

Music: Getting Away With Murder – Papa Roach
Book: My own, for editing.

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I have been busy lately. First of all, my friends have made it apparent to me that I run a lucrative brothel called “The Den of Iniquity” and almost all of my friends are my employees, half of them volunteered personally. We bought phallus-shaped door knobs from ancient Pompeii especially for the brothel. It’s been great.

Aside from that, it’s approaching the end of my high school life and I’ve been handing in major works, writing and giving and listening to speeches, keeping up with all the extra activities such as Slave Day, Muck Up Day and the Formal – though our politically correct principal has renamed them Personal Assisstant Day, Fun Day and the Farewell, respectively. So it’s been pretty all over the place.

On Wednesday it was Lizzy’s birthday! We’re celebrating this weekend with a movie, and I bought her paperclips, since she asked so nicely. I have to keep planning for the formal because I still need a dress and now I’m going with Ryan again because he asked and because why not? Ryan’s been my friend for a number of years now and yeah, it was awkward in year ten because he fancied me (why?) but now it’s much more relaxed. Thank heavens for our different subjects! Also the Highland Ball is coming up quickly and I need a dress for that. I won’t need a date though, because Lizzy will be coming with me so I won’t be lonely like I was last year – well, I danced with my sister, but it’s always nice to have a friend come with.

My cousin had her first baby on the seventh too! Happy birthday Raiden (this is the only time that phrase is accurate, so I had to)! I haven’t seen Raiden outside photos yet, but I’ll get there ^^;

I’m back at work, two nights a week, so I actually have money now. Money is good.

In my spare time I’ve been happily writing and drawing. I found ‘my style’ now, inspired by the comic style of AceroTiburon, and it’s really working for me, though I’ve got a long way to go still folks. When I’m not drawing, I’m writing – my story Lorelai, which has a cast of characters whose personalities are unlike any I’ve worked with before and are fun but really tricky to write! I might post a bit up here for you guys at some point.

I still plan to review ‘Never Mind Me’, by the by. Maybe when I’m not so overwhelmed! And that’s it for now. I just kind of wanted to record all of this stuff, because August has always been such a busy month!

Chill-axed,
Lexiconish.

PS: Listening to Code Geass music, reading Warriors Book One: Into the Wild. Again.

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