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Posts Tagged ‘future’

Okay, I’m in a considerably better place this time.

So, turns out I had nothing to worry about regarding breaking up. I could have cried with relief when he called to say that, what with him going away to university, it probably wouldn’t last. It irritated me that my family was in the room so we couldn’t talk properly and I couldn’t say what I really needed to, but we’re done with that now and we’re moving on.

In other news, I watched “On My Way”, the latest episode of Glee. It reduced me to tears several times and I cannot wait for the next episode which won’t arrive for a while yet. We thank Chris and Darren for being so adorable in the meantime, and trying to make it easier on us.

Cough Syrup is one of my new favourite songs. It makes me cry, but anyway, so does Chapel of Love now thanks to Quinn. Seriously, Glee fans react like this to those two songs:

But that episode opened up an important conversation between a friend and I. It started out generally, I cried to her about the episode, but then I pointed out how no one talks about suicide; it’s a taboo topic and people don’t know how to broach it, so they just don’t. But society can’t ignore its presence. I was really proud that Glee had done that, actually, because in such a medium, it really shocks people and they start talking about it. And we did, my friend and I, it got us talking about it and why someone would and how we’d feel if someone we knew were to attempt it and so on. Lots of more personal things came out throughout this conversation, and out of respect for her privacy, I won’t reveal which friend it was or what exactly was said, but it got me to open up as well.

And so we talked about things that we wanted. Because the things that depressed me led to talking about the future I wanted more than anything else, but that I felt would always be denied to me because it’s just so unlikely; and it is, and I know and accept that, but I hate people telling me that over and over, because then it’s like they’re saying, ‘It’s unlikely, so don’t even bother trying to begin with’.

And then she did the most amazing thing, this friend of mine. No really. No amount of crying gifs can express what my face was doing at this point. Because our conversation was on MSN, and she couldn’t see me, but she started telling me the practical route to this future that I wanted. And she painted the nicest picture of it all, like the whole process of getting there, so it doesn’t actually seem quite so hopeless anymore. And I keep thinking back to her words now when I get down on myself about it, because she genuinely made me cry and honestly, she was doing exactly what Kurt does for Karofsky in that scene in the hospital. It’s not something I’ll be forgetting any time soon, probably never.

And since she occasionally reads this blog, I’d like to once again thank her profusely for what she said. It meant a lot to me.

So now there’s a workshop on the 11th of March that I’ll be attending. There’s a guy in my town who went into acting, he was in a KFC ad, and then he went to study in America. Well he just got back and he’s offered to do a workshop where he’ll teach some of the things he learnt in America to people in the musical society.

I sure picked the right year to join. So it really could be worse.

And there are different short courses coming up in a couple of months I can go to for ACTT even though I missed the other one, so it’s a good thing I signed up for the newsletter. Next year I am absolutely going to audition for a spot in the long term courses. In the meantime, I think I’m going to do my RSA and such so I can get a new job in a bar or something so I can start saving for this future I want so badly.

Because as my friend said, it’s unlikely, but it isn’t impossible. It may not happen exactly the way I want it to now, but it could be just as good.

Oh, and I finally got to see “The Help” last night. It’s a brilliant movie and also reduced me to tears. I think my eyes are just looking for any excuse to leak these days. Anyway, mum said at the end “It’s hard to believe we used to treat people as inferior like that.” I just gaped at her because, yes, things have improved – but wait, have they? I think it’s just less obvious now, but it’s still happening. I mean, we’re still denying homosexuals the right to get married, and really I see no reason to be doing that. It’s not right. And yes, we still look down on anyone who is ‘different’. So it hasn’t really changed all that much. So I told her that and she seemed genuinely confused, and I hope it’s just because I’m rubbish at putting my thoughts into words, and not because she hasn’t realised it.

Anyway.

Oh God. Chapel of Love just came on my shuffle. WHY DID I DOWNLOAD THIS SONG? *Weeps hysterically*.

Woefully,
Lexiconish

Mood: Optimistic (despite the crying happening right now because of this damned song)
Music: Chapel of Love – Dixie Cups
Reading: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

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Hello everyone!

I just completed the final stage of my school years. The year 12 formal was on Thursday (it is now Saturday), and initially it really didn’t bother me. Finishing school, whatever, exciting. It’s cliche to say that ‘they were the best years of my life, everyone told me that and I didn’t believe them’ – but it is true. I guess I just didn’t really realise I was ever having fun, or rather because school brought my friends and I together, removing it from the picture… leaves a big empty space.

They showed a slideshow at the formal, and it was kind of annoying because of how biased it was; one of the popular girls made it, and wouldn’t let anyone help, so all the pictures were the same people over and over… but it did drive home that this was kind of the end.

Ryan got into uni as did Connor and Nic and Samuel and Ashlee and Emma and… the list goes on. We’re a bright bunch, but you know most of them are going straight to uni without deferring so next year so many of them are moving 45 minutes away… it doesn’t seem like a big deal except that I know that suddenly I won’t be seeing them every day. I’m really going to miss that… and then I look at all these photos from the past few years and think; damn, I’m really gonna miss him/her. I don’t delude myself, I know how easily and quickly people can lose contact with each other, and I recognise I’m probably never going to see or hear from these people again. People with whom I grew up with and celebrated with and made jokes with and loved.

It’s frightening, and the strangest feeling not being expected to do anything during the day, or to actually be aware that I’m not procrastinating on an assignment when I write on here or check YouTube… and with all my friends getting right in I feel kind of unaccomplished. I still work at a certain pizza place where I am comfortable, even though I hate the work, and I know the people well. I’m a little scared I won’t leave; that can happen, I know, when you’re just too comfortable where you are.

It brings up all these memories I thought I had forgotten. There are recent ones, from presentation day and muck up day and slave day, and memories from my 18th when all of us sung the entire song from Portal – you know the one, Still Alive? – in the middle of dinner. There are older ones, when I taught Lizzy the Llama song at tennis in year 8 and we used to sit and toss the ball under the net since we dismally failed at playing, or when I made a bomb shelter plan with Nicola in year seven as part of a project, where as long as we solved the major problems we didn’t have a theoretical budget limit… or in year 9 when Will knocked me off my seat in science, and in year 7 I found out about Connor’s trip to New Zealand…

In the library earlier this year, debating republic vs the monarchy with Lucy… bitching about our English teacher in a private room upstairs with Lizzy and Emma or Ella or Chloe… mourning the loss of Dave’s football to the roof, our mascot Larry the Scrub Turkey… playing lions in the infants with Elena and Geordie… spitting out the grass we were dared to eat and being horrified because Elena ate it… the snow trip, where we built a snow fort, and fought another school in an epic snowball fight… canoeing at Bent’s Basin and sharing a tent with Elena, and it was so hot… being too scared to absail…

And memories not really related to school too, just times throughout my life that I feel are kind of over now. Well, they ended a long time ago I suppose, but now these people have grown up and it’s just… different…

Like when we were kids in the ’90s and my sister and cousins and I were all obsessed with The Spice Girls… haha, I remember they learnt the songs and pretended they were different members of the band. Even though they didn’t have ‘Ginger Spice’ they wouldn’t let me be a part of it, until I cried and begged, and my brother was the ‘manager’… and roller blading for the first time. I didn’t do very well. One of those cousins is married now! Another has a baby.

Or my sister learning to write in Elvish and writing my full name on a piece of paper that she burnt around the edges for me… or getting Simba, my cat… pretending there were foxes living under the house… my brother convincing me that the huge mound of dirt in our backyard was a volcano because I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was little, and getting me to clean rocks with a toothbrush… my sister and brother teaming up to persuade me that it was called a cake of soap because it could be eaten, and both being disappointed when I didn’t burp bubbles… then both of them pretending one of my toys hatched from an egg… my sister teaching me that it was good manners to wait for an invitation before going to someone’s house… my brother cutting my dreams of archaeology short by telling me if I did that I’d have to be like Indiana Jones… Pizza Hut birthdays and McDonald’s birthdays and getting stuck on Hayley’s cubby house roof, and telling ghost stories one rainy day in my parent’s bay window and swimming in the dam and finding a leech stuck in my shoe…

Learning how to ride a bike, then riding the bike path near the dog run when my mum took the dogs there, singing in the rain, tending pop’s veggie garden with him, reading to mum, listening to dad read to me, crying because of the voice in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets…

Memory after memory after memory present themselves for examination and it makes me so sad and happy at the same time. I really miss those days and those people… and I know that it’s ending now, and it’s a new life altogether. I don’t want to lose everyone. I just don’t know what to do with myself now… and all my friends, because I can’t stay with them all, you know? A lot of rites of passage have happened all at once and there’s all these things that need resolving… so now I’m looking at photos, recent and old, and one image will conjure up all the memories and sights and sounds and smells that came with that moment… and I’m reading the messages everyone wrote on my bear and in my 18th book for me last weekend… and these people really love me, you know? And I love them. It seems a bit late to realise that.

What to do now?

I think it’s time to give that some real thought. Love to you all, and to the past, and hope for the future… everyone’s future.

Lovingly,
Lexiconish.

Music: Graduation Song (Friends Forever) – Vitamin C
Mood: Nostalgic
Reading: Inheritance – Christopher Paolini

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Dear People of the Internets,

Lots of developments lately.

First off, I turned eighteen. Hooray! *Mini internets party*.

To celebrate my parents and I trekked to Mayfield Garden, which is enormous and beautiful given it is a fledgling public garden in Australia. Magnificent, but of course it led to my being badly sunburnt, the effects of which have yet to fade even though it has been a week. I’m still red and sore, believe it or not.

Here be photos:

So as you can see I was getting pretty burnt.

Anyway, after that I did my last HSC exam ever! Yay!

I’m free at last! Much like Rapunzel, I have now tasted liberty. It’s amazing. But I also don’t know what to do anymore. Then on Wednesday I went to school to ‘sign out’… never mind what that means. I ran into Ryan in the study room because he had an exam that day, and I decided to stop and talk, because we both like:

Yes, we do – what of it? Anyway we were talking about it and somewhere along the line I asked him out and he said yeah, so here I am, officially unavailable. Hm. Anyway my brother tells a better version of the story:

“One day Lyndsay was riding a unicorn pony because they were looking for a rainbow, and they found it, and Ryan was sitting on the rainbow. Then the pony tripped on the rainbow and Lyndsay fell down and said ‘Ouch’ and Ryan said ‘Ok’ because he thought she said ‘Do you want to go out with me?’ and it all worked out.”

I don’t know how I’m related to him and don’t have the same story-telling skills, but there you go.

So after that I went to the Chinese Gardens in Sydney which are also especially beautiful, but my browser is slow so I’ll put up pictures another time. Then we (my family and I) climbed the Harbour Bridge at night. It was my second time! Then we had dinner at Pancakes on the Rocks; if you’re ever in Sydney, I recommend it. Finally, on Friday I’ve got a party to celebrate with all my friends, and then after that…

Well, you get the idea. In addition, I’m doing NaNoWriMo; that’s National Novel Writing Month, so it’s busy, busy, busy!

Happily,
Lexiconish.

Music: Fireflies – Owl City
Mood: Little Bit Tired, Mostly Content
Reading: Fenrir – M. D. Lachlan

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