Posts Tagged ‘fandom’

Hello again. It’s been a while since my last post, but by now that should be nothing new to anyone following my posts… which I’m pretty sure is no one. Whatever.

Well about a week ago I was planning on writing a lovely blog about what I’ve been doing, lots of fun things with my older sister Sally. But in the week since my mood has taken a significant swing in the other direction, and that’s going to reflect in my post, for which I apologise.

But it’s time to get serious, and really kind of personal. I’ve a little announcement to make: I have depression. Now actually that’s not an enormous deal. A large portion of the population suffers depression to some degree or another. Not everyone will be diagnosed with it. Some people will just write it off as being sad. But it remains a fact of my life.

Depression can often be hereditary. My father has depression, my mother has anxiety and my sister has anxiety. It’s not really surprising that I have depression. But it isn’t necessarily because of hereditary reasons. As a matter of fact, a lot of it is to do with my father, who is a very difficult man to live with. It isn’t his fault, not at all, but it makes life incredibly difficult for me, where I am so similar to him in many ways.

Our similarities have led to regular conflict between us, a great number of arguments. A part of me is quite frightened of my father, although I doubt he would ever physically hurt me, and he loves me, so I doubt he’s aware of how much emotional trauma he causes me.

Recently my father lost his job. As a matter of fact, he lost a job he’d had for a little over thirty years a couple of years ago, and being in his fifties with no other job experience, and no skills to offer, he found it extremely difficult to get another job. Eventually he succeeded in getting a job in security after doing a short course, but he was only casual, and his employers decided to cut back to two guards. So my father was laid off. As a result, he is now in kind of a rut, stuck at home. I am unfortunately in a similar state, because I don’t really have a purpose to my life at the moment, and my only job is casual as a cleaner, where for the past two weeks there has been no work for me.

It’s driving us both a little crazy.

No, a lot crazy.

We’re fighting a lot more. And I spend half the day asleep, and the other half crawling around the floor for lack of anything better to do, and getting called ‘Bridget’ by my mother in reference to ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ which is a movie I happen to despise, actually, so it only increases my ire.

Last night I had a bit of a panic attack at the idea of being cooped up. It was too late to go outside for a long walk, which was what I abruptly wanted to do – and I wanted to do it at night too, but I’d never have been allowed. I felt so frustrated and restless and I had the increasing need to scream, but I couldn’t, and there isn’t anywhere you can go to scream without attracting attention, and screaming into my pillow has never helped me. So in a fit of panic, I realised I was hyperventilating. In an effort to stop, I wound up holding my breath, letting a little out and sucking it back in – it took me choking to realise I was suffocating myself. Obviously I felt even more panicked, and wound up going into the bathroom, locking the door, crawling into the empty tub, and sitting in the dark for a good long hour trying to breathe and not think about anything.

The worst thing, I think, is that it all happened right under my parents’ noses. They didn’t even notice me. I was sitting behind my mother at the kitchen table when I was having trouble breathing, and she didn’t even realise. My legs were shaking, and I was dizzy. The thing is, I know it’s not that they don’t care, or that they wouldn’t notice if I were gone; one of the few things that has ever kept me from ending it all is the knowledge of how much I would hurt the people I love. But I realised that last night I could easily have slipped out of the house and wandered around outside for hours before they would have realised I was gone; if they even would have. That is a little frightening.

It’s scary when I get really upset. I frighten myself. Sometimes I disgust myself with the things I think. I catch myself thinking about how I could kill myself, and then think about the fact that I’m being dramatic, that maybe that’s the only reason I really want to do it. Maybe I don’t want to get better because having depression in some twisted way makes me feel special. Different. Gives me something to blame my moods on. Gives me a reason for why I feel like a freak – no, I can tell myself, I’m not a freak, I just have depression. And I think I sicken myself, a little, and I think about how messed up the world is and how so many have it worse than me… which inevitably leads me back to wishing I lived anywhere else, and wondering why I’m alive at all. And it’s a nasty cycle I fall into until I force myself not to think at all.

When I get unhappy, my method is escapism. I get sucked right into fandom, ignore the world around me, because it makes me happy. I can forget myself for a little while. Fandom literally keeps me breathing, and it’s shocking how important it is to me. I don’t think anyone in my life realises that as much as it damages my life in places, it gives me a great deal more. The only problem is of course when I can’t find anything to distract myself, and that’s when I get like I did last night. That’s how I’ve been all week.

If I don’t find something to occupy myself very soon, I am very scared of what might happen to me. My life needs direction, I have always, always craved it, even as I’ve always used escapism. The trouble is simply that I don’t know what to do, and that I’ve felt so incredibly lost for so long now that I don’t know how, don’t have the motivation to press on and find my way.

I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’m very scared and very alone.


And with that in mind, I really, really want to thank fandom. The people in these fandoms, the creators of the shows, the books, the movies, the creators of music, the writers of fan fiction, the vidders on YouTube, you all have no idea how valuable you are to someone like me, how kind and welcoming you are, how accepting of someone who has very rarely felt accepted. You are an anchor for me and I am so very, very grateful. Thank you.

Mood: tumblr_lyojwaqjWt1qbfgrs
Music: Caves – Founds
Reading: JohnLock fics.


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Hello, hello! I have returned! I actually never meant to be gone so long. There’s just so much to talk about – maybe I’ve been saving all of it so that I had something to do. I actually haven’t been doing much, I’ve been kind of depressed, but I have some things I haven’t written about and I have things coming up, so hooray!

First of all, remember that acting workshop I said I was going to attend? It was awesome. I had a blast, I truly did, and Lizzy was with me and we just laughed about it the entire time. It was all those little games you know, but it was hilarious with the people we had. There was a game we played at the end that was ‘Who Am I?’ where two people decide what the scene is and who everyone in the scene is, and they begin and the third person walks in and has to work out who they are without asking any questions. Bruce was being a woman – we assume a woman – in labour and Lizzy was the doctor and the third girl who came in had no idea and it was just so funny to watch. It made me feel really accomplished and it was just a lot of fun, definitely something I want to persue. Every time we had a break Lizzy and I ate red vines!

The Hunger Games also came out, and was in fact a really good movie. The whole way up to the cinema, Lizzy and I were singing ‘Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These’ because of something on Tumblr, and now that song is our official theme for the series. It has a lot to do with this guy:

Shh. And on the way back we were looking out the back window with our heads back and Lizzy – who is into science and astronomy and such – was like, ‘I think that one is Sirius’ and I said, ‘It looks quite serious to me’. Lizzy: … Me: … Lizzy: And its background is very Black. Me: Eeeeeyyyyy! This is just how we are, we’re very easily amused. The streetlights kept blinding us when they came up though!

You may also notice I’ve become interested in Supernatural. My mum watched it a lot and I used to catch an episode here and there so I knew the basic storyline, but then I realised I had nothing to watch and decided to go out and buy the first 3 series so I could actually watch it in order. And I liked it so much I bought the rest of it – what’s available – and I cannot wait for more. I’m a Destiel shipper, and who can blame me? Plus, the cast of Supernatural are pretty much the most awesome, hilarious cast of any show ever. I am in love with them as a group.

“Don’t ever change.”

“It’s the Eye of the Tiger!”

“Evil!? I’m Crowley!”

Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki

“Thank you.”

Nothing will stop Misha tweeting his minions.

Sorry to overwhelm you with gifs again. But seriously, in love with this cast. They’re so great! So I’ve also been watching a lot of Supernatural and reading a lot of fan fiction and using Tumblr and generally doing what I did before with Glee which will be back soon as well. American shows like doing hiatuses I’ve noticed and I really don’t like it. British television never did that to me – except Sherlock and that was agony. Mostly watchingSupernatural is about having your heart ripped out and eviscerated time and time again as you watch. If you ship Destiel, you only make it worse for yourself, because I have honestly never sailed on an angstier ship. It’s tragic, that’s what it is.

Now moving on from that, I’ve been trying to write again. I really have been trying! And the other day I finally remembered I have this other e-mail address and I hadn’t checked it in ages, so I probably should. To my delight, a few weeks ago I received a review for Nearly Departed: The Necromancer’s Wife. I have mentioned this before, somewhere on this blog. In any case, I haven’t actually touched it in a while though I have still been thinking about it and what I’m doing with it. This reviewer actually informed me that they considered the story worthy to be published someday and I got so giddy I re-opened the document and started trying to get a feel for where I was at again. I don’t like a lot of what I did with this story, it needs a lot of work, but I still adore the characters and story and I think I can make something with it if I put in the work, which I will.

Yes, thank you Dean, it is awesome. And there is more awesome up and coming! Although the past few weeks (that have frankly felt like months) I have done very little besides the two things I have already mentioned, I have things to look forward to. Oh and before I forget: good luck to Lizzy on her Major Work for art, I hope you break those stereotypes!

It’s going to be awesome. I am involved, loosely…

Anyway, things coming up include Ironfest! Ironfest is a festival here in my hometown that celebrates metal and humanity and the relationship between them. Which sounds really boring when you say it that way, unless you write a little story about a man and his metal, and how in love they were. (It can be done. Anything can be done if the Sherlockfandom were able to write a fan fiction drabble about two pools who were in love.) Every year though, the festival has a new theme. Last year was Steampunk (hell yes!) and this year the theme is Apocalypse. Awesome, Dean? Awesome. Next year it’s going to be Time Travel, so I’m keen for that. In any case, there are belly dancers and metal workers and shops and there’s a war re-enactment and fireworks and there’s jousting and sword fighting and a display of executions (with you know, fake bodies) so it’s all pretty cool. So that’s going to be fun.

We also have Easter! Whoo! Chocolate!

We all do, Rory. So here is what’s going to happen:

On this day, I will see Lizzy and we’ll probably watchSupernaturaland then we’ll go to musical and leave an hour early. I will spend the night up at her place because on:

I am going with Lizzy and her mum to Canberra to spend the night in a hotel and I will probably act like such a kid because I’ll feel just like I’m Sam or Dean on a hunt and hey, everyone thinks Lizzy and I are sisters anyway (no, they really do, not sure why) and she’s taller than me and smarter than me and I like food more than she does, unhealthy food and she’s younger than me and OH MY GOD we’re the female versions of Sam and Dean! Not really but anyway. We’ll be in Canberra because on:

We’re going to see this Renaissance Italian art exhibition which is pretty cool actually even though it’s not usually my thing, so that’s awesome, and we get back late on Saturday night so I’m staying at her place again, then they’ll drop me home on:

For EASTER! Whoo! But in order to do this Canberra thing, I might, probably, almost definitely be working from 5:30 to close, but then is Easter Sunday so maybe we’ll be dead anyway and I’ll get extra pay which is quite convenient anyway since I wasn’t able to work this last week. And then it’ll be:

And I will go to musical… sigh. And then it’ll be:

Wherin I won’t do much… and then it’ll be:

Again, and I really just wanted to complete the week of gifs, so sorry about that. And so that and Ironfest is pretty much all April will be to me, but then it’s May and the musical will be performed in May and my brother and his wife’s first anniversay is in May so that’s all pretty awesome. Do I give them paper for their first anniversary? I’m not sure. I’ll just give them a card. And after all that I’ll be trying to go to some short acting courses and such, so there will at least be something to do I suppose.

Oh and I haven’t even told you about Lizzy’s and my plan to make a movie! Okay, it’s going to be really cool, but because it’s a really interesting topic, and I feel I’ve prattled enough here…

Okay, okay. I’ll save it for my next blog. Deal? I’ll write it maybe tomorrow. There’s a whole tonne of other stuff I wanted to talk about here but since I can’t fit it in, I will write another blog tomorrow while I wait for Lizzy to drop by. Okay? Brief preview: the movie, plans to see Titanic and Hunger Games with Lizzy and Mel, my pop’s memoirs, memories in general.

Okay then. I’m out.


Mood:  Confused
Music: Carry On My Wayward Son – Kansas
Reading: Destiel Fanfictions.

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