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Archive for February, 2012

Okay, I’m in a considerably better place this time.

So, turns out I had nothing to worry about regarding breaking up. I could have cried with relief when he called to say that, what with him going away to university, it probably wouldn’t last. It irritated me that my family was in the room so we couldn’t talk properly and I couldn’t say what I really needed to, but we’re done with that now and we’re moving on.

In other news, I watched “On My Way”, the latest episode of Glee. It reduced me to tears several times and I cannot wait for the next episode which won’t arrive for a while yet. We thank Chris and Darren for being so adorable in the meantime, and trying to make it easier on us.

Cough Syrup is one of my new favourite songs. It makes me cry, but anyway, so does Chapel of Love now thanks to Quinn. Seriously, Glee fans react like this to those two songs:

But that episode opened up an important conversation between a friend and I. It started out generally, I cried to her about the episode, but then I pointed out how no one talks about suicide; it’s a taboo topic and people don’t know how to broach it, so they just don’t. But society can’t ignore its presence. I was really proud that Glee had done that, actually, because in such a medium, it really shocks people and they start talking about it. And we did, my friend and I, it got us talking about it and why someone would and how we’d feel if someone we knew were to attempt it and so on. Lots of more personal things came out throughout this conversation, and out of respect for her privacy, I won’t reveal which friend it was or what exactly was said, but it got me to open up as well.

And so we talked about things that we wanted. Because the things that depressed me led to talking about the future I wanted more than anything else, but that I felt would always be denied to me because it’s just so unlikely; and it is, and I know and accept that, but I hate people telling me that over and over, because then it’s like they’re saying, ‘It’s unlikely, so don’t even bother trying to begin with’.

And then she did the most amazing thing, this friend of mine. No really. No amount of crying gifs can express what my face was doing at this point. Because our conversation was on MSN, and she couldn’t see me, but she started telling me the practical route to this future that I wanted. And she painted the nicest picture of it all, like the whole process of getting there, so it doesn’t actually seem quite so hopeless anymore. And I keep thinking back to her words now when I get down on myself about it, because she genuinely made me cry and honestly, she was doing exactly what Kurt does for Karofsky in that scene in the hospital. It’s not something I’ll be forgetting any time soon, probably never.

And since she occasionally reads this blog, I’d like to once again thank her profusely for what she said. It meant a lot to me.

So now there’s a workshop on the 11th of March that I’ll be attending. There’s a guy in my town who went into acting, he was in a KFC ad, and then he went to study in America. Well he just got back and he’s offered to do a workshop where he’ll teach some of the things he learnt in America to people in the musical society.

I sure picked the right year to join. So it really could be worse.

And there are different short courses coming up in a couple of months I can go to for ACTT even though I missed the other one, so it’s a good thing I signed up for the newsletter. Next year I am absolutely going to audition for a spot in the long term courses. In the meantime, I think I’m going to do my RSA and such so I can get a new job in a bar or something so I can start saving for this future I want so badly.

Because as my friend said, it’s unlikely, but it isn’t impossible. It may not happen exactly the way I want it to now, but it could be just as good.

Oh, and I finally got to see “The Help” last night. It’s a brilliant movie and also reduced me to tears. I think my eyes are just looking for any excuse to leak these days. Anyway, mum said at the end “It’s hard to believe we used to treat people as inferior like that.” I just gaped at her because, yes, things have improved – but wait, have they? I think it’s just less obvious now, but it’s still happening. I mean, we’re still denying homosexuals the right to get married, and really I see no reason to be doing that. It’s not right. And yes, we still look down on anyone who is ‘different’. So it hasn’t really changed all that much. So I told her that and she seemed genuinely confused, and I hope it’s just because I’m rubbish at putting my thoughts into words, and not because she hasn’t realised it.

Anyway.

Oh God. Chapel of Love just came on my shuffle. WHY DID I DOWNLOAD THIS SONG? *Weeps hysterically*.

Woefully,
Lexiconish

Mood: Optimistic (despite the crying happening right now because of this damned song)
Music: Chapel of Love – Dixie Cups
Reading: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

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Yo.

So, I’m beginning to clue in on the fact that I am a truly horrible person. Considering how horrible I am, the things I say suddenly sound so sanctimonious! And it’s good that I’m not going anywhere fast, because I’m a horrible, horrible person.

Or at least a mega bitch when it comes to relationships.

I’ve never had one, really, right? But I was certain I never wanted to be in one. Only people are always saying ‘try something new’ or ‘you don’t know until you try’, so I felt like I couldn’t really say I’d hate that if I never tried it (even though I was sure I wouldn’t like it, the very idea was discomforting). And I knew that one of my friends had always kinda liked me. And I saw it as possible – I really want to stress that I genuinely wanted to try because I liked him, and not just because it was a viable option! So I asked him and he said yes and I really, really tried to be comfortable with it. I kept reminding myself that of course it’d be awkward in the beginning, or because we were friends first, or something… but nothing is changing and in fact I’m just feeling worse. People keep asking if I like him like I’m meant to, and I say I don’t know – but I do know, and I don’t see him that way. It’s like this was all on a whim. But it wasn’t, exactly. But still.

And it sucks because we’re really good friends and he’s such a nice guy. If I wanted a relationship, I couldn’t do any better, I swear! And that’s why it’s so terrible, because I feel like I’m using him, kind of. I don’t want this to drag on, it’s just cruel and uncomfortable for me anyway. I don’t want him to become too invested, and he’s had dinner here and Valentine’s Day is coming up so it would be awful to let this drag on until then because obviously he’d feel obligated to get me something, right? And it’d be wrong to let him do that knowing how I really feel.

But I’m a bitch because I’m the one who asked him out and I’m the one who invited him over for dinner and I’m the one who keeps organising everything and I don’t know how to tell him it isn’t going to work out, I just don’t feel anything! It’s not even the first time I’ve done something like this, because we went out before in year nine, but then I felt I wasn’t ready and I was too scared to end it face to face so I wrote him a freaking note and how sucky is that? I can’t believe he stayed friends with me after that! And before that, I know he and another friend (one of his friends too) both liked me at the same time and I actually had to consider which one to choose, which seems really terrible, and really I’m just a horrible person and a mega relationship bitch, aren’t I?

So the thing is, I have to end it because the longer it goes on, the worse it will be when it inevitably ends, and really why stay locked in something I know isn’t going to last because I can’t reciprocate, right? But I started this and I do like him, we’re friends, so really I was just an ass about this whole thing. What do I do? I can’t let it continue, I have to end it.

Additionally, he lives out of town, and it’s hard to just casually meet up. Which means I would actually have to organise a meeting just to tell him it’s over, and it’s really tricky organising anything because he lives out of town and works often.

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Suffer? Obviously, I’ve brought it on myself. But I’m going to hurt him in the process, which is ultimately the worst bit. I’m really bad at coming up with the right words in the moment too, everything comes out perfectly when I write, but when I’m faced with someone and I’m speaking to them, I’m not nearly so clear and I really need him to understand for selfish, stupid reasons.

I. Am. A horrible. Person.

Yes, I know. Why are you telling me? This post is full of self-hate.

I really just want it over. I think I’m ready to dig myself out of my hole, and the first thing I need to do is deal with all the mistakes I’ve been making lately, and put them behind me. Like, way behind me. I guess, it seems cruel to say (what else is new?) but if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore, I’m willing to let him be. Because really, we’re both going totally different directions anyway, and we mostly keep in touch over Facebook, so it wouldn’t be all that different. I think, with him going to uni and me making this decision to do something with drama, well it’s time to stop lying about how we feel and stuff. This isn’t going anywhere, I hope we both know that. It’ll make it easier. I want to stay friends with him, however distant, but if he wants to stop talking, that’s okay too and I deserve it, understand it and respect it.

But first of all I need to do it. Which is hard because I’m so clear about it in my head, I keep forgetting I haven’t dealt with the situation. I also need to apply for a place in this short 4 week course in Sydney before it’s too late. I need to stop clearing things up only in my head, it isn’t helping reality. Reality is harder, much, much harder, and it hurts and all, but I’m getting this feeling that if I can make my dreams reality, well, the reality of my dreams will feel a thousand times better than I can ever imagine. Because good things are real too.

All this said, please, please, anyone who reads this; help me work out how to do it. What to say, at least roughly, and how to arrange a meeting. I can’t just say it to him if I see him at work, can I? I have to sit down and talk – and God forbid I start out with ‘we need to talk’ because I’ve got a gut feeling I’ll accidentally say that or something along those lines… – but I have to talk with him in a not-so-formal setting. I can’t arrange a ‘date’ only to break it off, it seems a lot worse. So, what should I do, exactly?

Am I just confusing you?

… Sorry.

Self-loathingly,
Lexiconish.

Mood: Piteous
Music: Smooth Criminal – Glee Cast
Book: … I have no motivation to read…

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