Okay, I’m in a considerably better place this time.
So, turns out I had nothing to worry about regarding breaking up. I could have cried with relief when he called to say that, what with him going away to university, it probably wouldn’t last. It irritated me that my family was in the room so we couldn’t talk properly and I couldn’t say what I really needed to, but we’re done with that now and we’re moving on.
In other news, I watched “On My Way”, the latest episode of Glee. It reduced me to tears several times and I cannot wait for the next episode which won’t arrive for a while yet. We thank Chris and Darren for being so adorable in the meantime, and trying to make it easier on us.
Cough Syrup is one of my new favourite songs. It makes me cry, but anyway, so does Chapel of Love now thanks to Quinn. Seriously, Glee fans react like this to those two songs:
But that episode opened up an important conversation between a friend and I. It started out generally, I cried to her about the episode, but then I pointed out how no one talks about suicide; it’s a taboo topic and people don’t know how to broach it, so they just don’t. But society can’t ignore its presence. I was really proud that Glee had done that, actually, because in such a medium, it really shocks people and they start talking about it. And we did, my friend and I, it got us talking about it and why someone would and how we’d feel if someone we knew were to attempt it and so on. Lots of more personal things came out throughout this conversation, and out of respect for her privacy, I won’t reveal which friend it was or what exactly was said, but it got me to open up as well.
And so we talked about things that we wanted. Because the things that depressed me led to talking about the future I wanted more than anything else, but that I felt would always be denied to me because it’s just so unlikely; and it is, and I know and accept that, but I hate people telling me that over and over, because then it’s like they’re saying, ‘It’s unlikely, so don’t even bother trying to begin with’.
And then she did the most amazing thing, this friend of mine. No really. No amount of crying gifs can express what my face was doing at this point. Because our conversation was on MSN, and she couldn’t see me, but she started telling me the practical route to this future that I wanted. And she painted the nicest picture of it all, like the whole process of getting there, so it doesn’t actually seem quite so hopeless anymore. And I keep thinking back to her words now when I get down on myself about it, because she genuinely made me cry and honestly, she was doing exactly what Kurt does for Karofsky in that scene in the hospital. It’s not something I’ll be forgetting any time soon, probably never.
And since she occasionally reads this blog, I’d like to once again thank her profusely for what she said. It meant a lot to me.
So now there’s a workshop on the 11th of March that I’ll be attending. There’s a guy in my town who went into acting, he was in a KFC ad, and then he went to study in America. Well he just got back and he’s offered to do a workshop where he’ll teach some of the things he learnt in America to people in the musical society.
I sure picked the right year to join. So it really could be worse.
And there are different short courses coming up in a couple of months I can go to for ACTT even though I missed the other one, so it’s a good thing I signed up for the newsletter. Next year I am absolutely going to audition for a spot in the long term courses. In the meantime, I think I’m going to do my RSA and such so I can get a new job in a bar or something so I can start saving for this future I want so badly.
Because as my friend said, it’s unlikely, but it isn’t impossible. It may not happen exactly the way I want it to now, but it could be just as good.
Oh, and I finally got to see “The Help” last night. It’s a brilliant movie and also reduced me to tears. I think my eyes are just looking for any excuse to leak these days. Anyway, mum said at the end “It’s hard to believe we used to treat people as inferior like that.” I just gaped at her because, yes, things have improved – but wait, have they? I think it’s just less obvious now, but it’s still happening. I mean, we’re still denying homosexuals the right to get married, and really I see no reason to be doing that. It’s not right. And yes, we still look down on anyone who is ‘different’. So it hasn’t really changed all that much. So I told her that and she seemed genuinely confused, and I hope it’s just because I’m rubbish at putting my thoughts into words, and not because she hasn’t realised it.
Oh God. Chapel of Love just came on my shuffle. WHY DID I DOWNLOAD THIS SONG? *Weeps hysterically*.
Mood: Optimistic (despite the crying happening right now because of this damned song)
Music: Chapel of Love – Dixie Cups
Reading: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire